fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. i feel that that's how i should feel. i should be more upset about this inevitability but i'm more upset about it's half-failure and what came before it. i think i should just not eat junk food because i'm not likely to learn moderation anytime soon and an indulgence turned into a binge which happened once every month or two for the last three years without any hitches. until today. i remember the three or four times i did it freshmen year. and it was hard then and i realized then that it just didn't click but i had to do something to make up for the lack of control.

so, i mostly failed, but w/e. this will allow me a few days of eating barely anything or a week of eating only what i want. it's harder to stay on track with my family around all the time. i can't prepare my own food and focus on what i'm eating and be all neurotic and it makes me really anxious. w/e. was 129 point something this morning, will be really bloated tomorrow morn, but should be back to below 130 within two days. think i'll mostly give into this for the rest of the week. yeah. two days of about 1400 cals should even this out. yeah. and i really love aiming for that number. and i've already decided i'm not eating much tmmrw/today because i have to spend a bunch of time with my mom. yeah. i want to be 125. that's the lowest weight i can be and still be in the healthy weight range. i won't aim for that but it's what i want. i'm not gonna force myself to eat anymore. period.

if i don't stop that means i might really have a problem.

luckily, i don't have to deal with this for at least half a week. it'll stick in the back of my mind, but i can handle that level of festering. didn't exercise today because i really needed a nap and i hate the feel.

how can 300 calories have such a different feel. i know im not thinking logically here. i've never practiced what i preached when it comes to logic. or anything really.

i feel like i'm going to explode. which was the point i guess. it's thanksgiving, so maybe i should get a free pass for eating 3000 calories today, but i didn't do it b/c of thanksgiving. i think binging actually works well for me as far as masochism goes, because it's about as masochistic as i can get. however, in the future, how about i express my self-loathing through eating as little as possible.

that's what i'm doing till next wed at least. eating as little as possible at all times & avoiding junk food at all costs. if i'm gonna be miserable, i'm gonna be miserable at less tahn 130 lb instead of miserable at above 135. though i must admit, i outwit myself quite often. mentally connecting a pleasurable occurance (chocolate) with self-loathing and a painful physical sensation (major overstuffing) should lead me to eat less in the future.

so tempted to try to purge. it's been three years, i wouldn't be able to. but god. 3000. that's 1400 over, 850 over what i burn, according to the internet. which isn't such a huge number i guess. i'm freaking. my weight isn't dropping. up to 133 point something. not okay. i'll slash calories if i have to. i'm getting below 130. besides, starvation will feel good. i'm sick of being proactive about my eating. trying to be healthy and eat at least 1500 cals a day. fuck that. fuck food. eating only enough to keep from binging and keep energy to exercise (exercise in the morn when pos) for a while. two weeks at least.

god. you call that a binge. it was like 600 calories. my total for the day is only 100 over my max and that was my first binge in two months. which is good, i guess, but i would have let it get farther if i thought i was capable of purging again. been a really long time. but it felt good to relinquish control, that tiny bit, just to prove i have it to relinquish. angrily downing sugar cookies thinking about how the only thing i do people ever take head of is lose weight. and how if im going to feel like a failure i might as well fail at the only thing i'm decent at.

i don't want to lose this. less than two pounds left last time i checked. weird having a desire to eat now that my depression is fading. i like it i guess. i really have no idea what i'm after right now. i need this as a constant. all i've ever known is that i hate my body and i want to lose weight. what happens when i slip below 130? am i going to reset my goal to 125 or actually try and stick at one weight. i didn't hate my body that much a few times in the last few days and it felt awk. better, i guess, but awk. i actually felt sexy a few times in the last week. actually flirted with someone friday. i used to be rather demure about checking out guys, now i'm obvious. i make eye contact and don't hide the fact that i'm thinking about whether or not i'd have sex with them. i get that look back pretty often and i've come close to actually approaching someone. i will, one day soon, i think. i wonder what affect that would have on my body image. looks from guys don't have any lasting affect. though i get them on occasion i don't feel that there's any sort of consensus that i'm attractive. itwould matter, i guess, even though i wish the case were different.

132 point something. i realized today that i've lost ten pounds since summer, assuming my scales match up, which they probably don't.

i'm scared i won't be able to stop but i'm way more scared i'll gain it back. it's not like it hasn't happened before. but it was so different then.

life is supposed to be perfect in two pounds.

tempted to reset my goal. just the least bit. just maybe... making plans for how ill stop like ill follow them. ha. it's war in my head. i'm not a complete failure if i eat little and exercise. people never notice anything i do but lose weight. it's not that i want the attention, i don't like people knowing me unless i can trust them or i know they can't hurt me, it's just, in excess i get the feeling their right. i know that it's an easy thing to notice because it's shallow and i really don't know what else people would compliment me on. but the comments, you look so beautiful (NOW), make me feel even more insecure than usual. when they ask how i did it i want to tell them the reasons behind my last ten pounds (since the first 30 or so were obliterated by legitamite means) and scare them into shutting up.

thank god no one i know is intervention-y.

... i used to hate my extra fat. there isn't much left so instead i hate myself. is that progress?